Giving up on myself occurs first before other’s have an opportunity to give up on me, I’ve realized is a coping mechanism of mine.
Last month I began virtual training with Aretha’s Ultimate Bootcamp and the blessings have been endless; for instance, noticing my strengths and weaknesses, and owning them.
Since graduating the illustrious Alabama State University, 5 years ago (sheesh!), I have struggled with maintaining an active lifestyle. Active in the sense of accountability. Accountability with my physical health, mental health, and emotional health. I stopped working out consistently, I stopped writing poetry and sharing consistently, and I stopped being mindful of dedicated me time.
Why? I became stagnant. I allowed the responsibilities of adulting swallow me whole. After graduating, I worked two jobs and I was in my first honest relationship. My focus was on what it meant to handle bills/responsibilities and what it meant to be present in a fresh euphoria that The Most High sent someone just for me. I don’t care what anyone says. . . these factors require balance. Some days, some months, some hours and some minutes I had it right. . . and others, I was a teeter-totter.
Moving back to South Florida brought a new struggle as I stepped into education. I went into my interview looking for a sub position and they offered me a full-time English teaching career. My first year I was awarded New Educator of the Year; my second year I was awarded American Hero; and now I am in my fourth year. . .
A woman I admire, Dr. Jacqueline Trimble, is named a National Endowment for the Arts Poetry Fellow and received a grant of $25,000 to support her poetry career. I shouted when I found out because these news were shared after a post on Facebook she made:
My heart felt and embraces her with this post. A constant struggle has risen for me because I — up until late — do for responsibilities and not for soul, for Yah, for me. However, I am realizing, through movement, that my motions and meaning can coincide as as long as I get outta my way. For example, I know I can be great at whatever I do. . . I have the spirit of Yah within me. Yet, if I am not singing for my heart, who am I singing for?
Lately, intentionally, I choose The Most High. I choose Terrence. I choose my family. I choose my brothers and sisters scattered to the four corners of the earth. I choose writing. I choose poetry. I choose rising generations. I choose my health. I choose my well-being. I choose me.
Now. . . how am I coming to my choices? How am I coming into my consciousnesses and manifestations?
As you can see from this video I cringed to share, I still have a long ways to go. But I am starting again, on purpose/with purpose, and every day is it’s own day. It is a day I am choosing to be present in because I am putting the work in!
This journey is teaching me to stop self-sabotaging because I am afraid of failure or judgement. This journey is showing me I need to try more instead of believing I am incapable or restricted (when I began with Aretha I couldn’t do a plank on my left side. . . now I can do a plank and balance a weight — HOLLA! I am initiating in my relationship, I am stepping into my writing career, I am disowning the imposter syndrome as an educator, I am forgiving self and those around me so healing can take place, I am getting on my knees to pray)!
The idea of something new. . . the idea of my greatness and my true self being revealed is frightening sometimes. . . Some days I am going to fall short, some days I am going to excel, but everyday I am going to reflect and give thanks! And as I strengthen myself with scripture, love, and movement fear will dissipate.
This post is a reminder, on this Motivational Monday, that movement is key. . . and as much as movement is key, the steps I (you) chose to make will reveal the beautiful blessing that some doors are not even locked. . . Shalom.