When I told my sister this, she was alarmed. After her concern, she questioned if I metaphorically or literally meant I still have open wounds postpartum.
I ask, is there a difference?
My Midwife Bailed On Me
See — towards the end of our pregnancy, I was encouraged to create a birth plan.
Our birthing center prides themselves on putting moms and their personal birth plan first. The birth plan I shared was a reflection that Natural Birth Works and will be a beautiful and an unforgettable experience for us. Our pregnancy journey was warm, exciting and new. I remember My Love standing next to me as our midwife moved a machine to follow our Sweet Pea swimming; “There she is,” Zion’ah’s heartbeat permeated sounds of love, hope and praises into the atmosphere.
The day we went into labor, I had no support or check-ins from my midwife, no advocacy from her when the on-call doctor did not give us the option To Cut or Not To Cut me open, and after our precious baby girl made her arrival I did not get one single text message or phone call from the woman we spent 42 weeks with preparing for the arrival of our first child. Days later, I received a text message, and to this day it is uncanny to me.
Looking back, it seems outrageous how on the flipside she could hit me up consistently regarding billing.
I will never forget how she billed us for phone calls we never had and charged ridiculous amounts for phone calls that were between 2 and a half and 7 minutes; how she fought to avoid giving us a full refund since I met my insurance deductible after we already paid her entirely out of pocket (they bill after births, and full cost must be paid to remain in their care once 32 weeks); but, above all else, I will never forget how she left me and my family stranded the day Zion’ah entered this world. Her lack of urgency to reach out to me still “grinds my gears.” Hurting because I expected support and a warm family bond with our midwives during pregnancy, during delivery and recovery, and postpartum. But, hey, we received 1/4.
Having a C-section while I was progressing in my labor because the on-call doctor “did not know me” is a wound still open. Never have I ever had to have surgery on my body. And with me taking the journey of preparing for a natural birth, the birth given to me was the complete opposite.
Not to mention this occurred largely because my midwife approved the wrong due date (she did not consider my ultrasound from early conception [we had one from the ER because I had bleeding early in our first trimester], the ultrasound she used represented a baby whose genetics had already begun to kick in [my husband and I are not small people]). She measured my weeks based on the size of our child; I didn’t know there was a more accurate way until she sent me to get induced and the nurse and first on-call doctor told me (after I read my prenatal chart and asked some questions) that due dates are supposed to go by the earliest ultrasound. . . Therefore, Zion’ah was really due 30 June, not 15 June. You can read about pieces of this journey here.
Overall, I still feel we should have had more of a window to attempt the natural birth we prepared for, especially since nature was taking its course. (Yet, everything happens for a reason — plus, I largely blame myself, as you’ll read when I close).
My Breast Milk Supply Depleted
I was so excited to breastfeed Zion’ah because I became aware of all the benefits physically and emotionally for the both of us. My sister bought me a freestyle pump and I was literally on a roll providing for our child.
Then, I started bleeding vaginally.
Reaching out to the on-call doctor that performed my C-section, he advised for me to stop pumping and take a medication he prescribed. His advice was the medication would help clap down my uterus to stop the bleeding. . . he noted some women just continue bleeding longer than some and it is normal.
He did not examine me. He did not perform any tests.
He just told me to stop pumping and to take the medication.
Thinking this was in the best interest of Zion’ah and I, I followed his guide — stupid! — and did as I was told.
My supply dropped drastically. After the bleeding stopped I started pumping again, but it was not the same. When I use to pump 5 ounces in one sitting, I now pumped 1, sometimes 2.
Our daughter started to get eczema and this broke my heart because the pediatrician said it was probably from her formula. We experimented with different formula’s and this sank me even more. . . I could no longer provide for our child the way I was designed to because I had listened to man. . .
Seeing our child in discomfort from her skin and watching her respond with vomit or refusal to eat with different formulas put me to blame and shame.
And after all of the back and forth with trying to build back my supply (eating oatmeal, consuming moringa and lots of water), my bleeding returned. The sad part? Reaching back out to this doctor, he tells me it is expected for me to bleed. . . I am not producing milk and breast feeding as much as I use to so the body signals to bring my period back. . .
Mind you, this is the same on call doctor that told me to stop pumping. . .
My exhaustion and frustration were on a level I can not even articulate. I legitimately felt and feel this doctor sabotaged me on purpose. . . Why do I say this? Again, he did not test me, check me, get to know me, or personalization a solution for me.
I believe everything I have gone through and put my family through was chastisement from The Most High Yah.
Proverbs 3:11-12 My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline,
and do not resent his rebuke,
12 because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
as a father the son he delights in.[a]
Chastisement: Chastisement is the infliction of corporal punishment as defined by law. Wikipedia
How did I not obey law? I did not put my full faith in Yahuah as I began to approach the end of my pregnancy. . . I knew I could deliver vaginally IF made to do so, but I was still so scared. And Yah teaches us we should have NO fear unless it is for The Most High. . . but I did. I was worried if I would be strong enough, and if Zion’ah would be okay since I tested GBS positive. I did not fully believe in Yah as I should have. . . and I feel, I know, my consequence is in all we went through for our delivery and thereafter. . .
Reality? I read of the Hebrew women in Exodus and how they delivered before the midwives arrived. And I strongly knew this is and would be possible for me and our delivery. I was excited. Excited for our water birth. Excited to look at my husband and my vision board as I pushed through to bring in our first born.
Yet, again, I had doubts. And still, I was scarred. I allowed fear to creep in. . . And thus, the story I have provided here for you today.
I am doing my best to forgive, take responsibility, and heal. This is being done through my journey towards better health, building my relationship with Yahuah, and therapy (blog posts to come).
These open wounds of mine will heal because worthy am I and so is my family.
Love and Blessings,